Imagine you’re a PreK – 8 Head of School. You’re supposed to be the beacon of wisdom, guiding young minds and inspiring your faculty, while also worrying about whether there’s enough coffee or toilet paper to prevent a coup. One minute you’re solving the mystery of the missing lunch box (spoiler alert: it was in the cubby the whole time), and the next, you’re spearheading a transformative educational initiative.
My walk with Rose Helm, Head of School at John Thomas Dye School in Los Angeles, CA. personifies such PreK- 8 school leadership. You’re constantly out of breath — literally and metaphorically — juggling responsibilities for which you were never trained and jumping around various issues. You’re expected to have a solution to every problem, even the ones you didn’t know existed until they showed up uninvited, like distant relatives at Thanksgiving. When you stop long enough to realize that you aren’t out of breath at this moment, you worry you aren’t working hard enough or must be forgetting something. There is a sense of urgency in school leadership. If we aren’t doing all that we can, we are letting someone down. A child only gets nine-to-ten months to be a third grader, so time is of the essence.
It’s all in a day’s work… for which we as Heads of School are probably already five minutes late. This walk was no exception. Rose texted moments before we were supposed to meet, “Are we walking in exercise gear or was the “walk” more metaphorical?” No metaphor here. She showed up with the energy to tackle a 10K and the breathless infectious laugh that makes her the perfect workout buddy. I know before we begin, she is going to push me.
Her tongue-in-cheek humor speaks to the truth – Rose is a born leader – destined to be a CEO, or a princess, since she was a young girl. Now as an adult, Rose has a bias toward action. Add to that, Rose is a galvanizer. She can motivate people to get behind an idea with her unbridled enthusiasm. She has the animated arm movement of a conductor increasing the tempo while supporting you to rise to the expectation she has for you. She sees your potential and knows how to hit the gas pedal. She is a powerhouse whose energy is palpable.
Rose: I’m using my working genius, galvanizing. I’m getting people excited about this next phase for the school. But… how do we do all the things that we have to do, we want to do and make it seem like it’s effortless? While we also have to be vulnerable. It’s so many both ands.
That’s the real kicker, right? Leadership is about balance. Be strong but be vulnerable. Be the team leader, but also be the coach. You need to know when to take center stage and when to let others take the spotlight. While you are at it – you are working with children too, so find joy in the chaos. Sometimes, the best leadership move is to step back and let others have the limelight while you watch from the front row.
Rose: The spotlight is always shining on us.. And, you know, I don’t know one of us who doesn’t love that a little bit. But I’m trying to learn to give that space and those opportunities to members of my administrative team, to other people. For example, historically, I write a weekly blog as part of our school newsletter. It is a slog to come up with something new to say every week. And it’s only me. It’s as if I’m the only person to have an original thought about children or something happening at the school. So I started sharing that with my leadership team. And not only has it helped me out, but it’s helped them take more of a front seat in the spotlight to be a thought leader. That empowerment leads to more agency, which then leads to more willingness to take things on.
Liz: Sometimes the reason we do it is that it’s easier to just do it ourselves than to make sure someone’s doing it the way we want it to be done.
Rose and Liz: And that’s not good for anyone.
I have to attribute the last sentence to us both because our words are so intertwined. We finish each other’s sentences. We had clearly both walked that tightrope. The duality of leadership is what makes it both challenging and rewarding. It’s a constant dance between ego and humility, between action and reflection, and between being the hero and acknowledging that sometimes, you’re the villain in someone else’s story. But that’s okay. Because leadership isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present, learning from your mistakes, and, most importantly, not taking yourself too seriously. After all, if you can’t laugh at the absurdity of it all, someone else will.
I don’t know if Rose would agree, but I learned humility from two very gifted masters: my daughters. They remind me every day not to take myself too seriously. No one is better at laughing at my errors than my girls. I am grateful… not all the time.. but in due time, I am grateful. Like leadership, motherhood is not about being perfect. I’ll speak for Rose when I say, we are not perfect mothers. Our flaws and challenges might just make us good mothers and better leaders, however. Take for instance the empathy we both have for mothers sitting in front of us after receiving a diagnosis of a medical condition or a learning difference.
Rose: When you think about your kid being sick, you want to actually have a diagnosis. No one wants to know it’s a virus. You want to know it is an ear infection because my child can take antibiotics. You know, it’s so hard when you get that information and you’re not sure what the right answer is for support.
We have both been there. There is no right answer. No silver bullet. It is a journey. Maybe I should say a process…much like grief. As a parent, we have to give ourselves the grace to go through all the stages when we find out something is wrong which antibiotics can’t cure. For Rose and me, as goal oriented, Princeton-educated, Heads of School one of those stages was to become an expert and advocate. In absence of answers, our inclination was to learn. Though the diagnoses our daughters faced are different, the impact is the same. Ego pushes in and asks, “How did I not see this coming?” or “What did I miss?” and “How will I fix it?”
Rose: Parents are …well, they’re not educators. I had the benefit of getting this information about my child and already knowing something about it. But a lot of people don’t. And it’s scary. This image of what you think your kid is going to be is all of a sudden completely upended. When we see parents who are manifesting “crazy,” I like to say it’s actually rooted in fear.
Which is actually rooted in love. And if we can meet them in the love place… well…
It’s terrifying being a parent. You’re just figuring it out.
Knowing ourselves better as mothers for having walked that path makes us better leaders especially in the Pre K – 8 arena for this is the time when most diagnoses occur. It is in the confines of our offices that parents have to come to terms with a future different than the one they imagined for a child. We know personally what care and support is necessary to show up in the love place no matter how the parent might show up in your office.
We had to acknowledge we could not be all things to our daughters. We admit we didn’t want to be. Rose laughs, “I have no part of my identity caught up in being the chief grocery shopper.” Still, Rose and I both share the mom guilt of showing up for all of the children in our school sometimes at the expense of our own daughters.
Rose: I’m the less present [parent]. And I grapple with that all the time. And think about these 336 students that get so much of my attention. And I have one child who’s in ninth grade now so I have this pre-empty nest nesting happening in these years before she’s going to leave. I’m trying to figure all these things out. And so actually this year, it’s such a small thing, but I’m going to drive her to the bus once a week, which means I’m going to miss the morning assembly that I lead every day once a week. And someone from my team has to lead it in my place. I decided that I can make this choice; I can put my child first.
In the car Rose and her daughter talk. So do Ella and I. Some of our best conversations happen in the car. I think it is like walking – maybe when we both focus in the same forward direction and not look at one another we can find a more honest connection.
Rose: …and when she gets out, she’s like, thanks for driving me. It’s a small thing.
It’s no small thing. I can tell by the genuine smile that comes across her face. That 15 minute ride to the bus is everything. Even beats the front row ride at Soul Cycle.
Liz Hofreuter
Founder GEN-Ed
Not your typical researcher or consultant, Liz connects lived experience to transformative leadership. To uncomplicate leadership and education, every story matters and she is just getting started.
