Fred’s Neighborhood

I need only to hear the first bar of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” and I am transported to my childhood home at 42 Poplar sitting crossed-legged on the braided rug mere feet from the television absorbing every word Mister Rogers spoke.  He sparked a passion for asking questions and learning about people more deeply. His influence is profound. His fingerprints are all over this series of walks from its onset. None more apparent than my walk with Ryan Rydzewski, one of the two men breathing new life into Fred Rogers’ work through their book, When You Wonder, You’re Learning: Mister Rogers’ Enduring Lessons for Raising Creative, Curious, Caring Kids.

As we know, parenting does not come with an instruction manual. But you could do worse than looking to Fred Rogers for guidance. In their book, Ryan and his co-author, Gregg Behr, explore what they call the “blueprints” that Fred Rogers left us, diving into the science behind Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and helping parents and teachers create the same feelings for today’s kids that Mister Rogers created for me.  The book has been called “a must-read for anyone who cares about children.”

Ryan: Before I had any kids, people would sometimes ask me, ‘Are you a dad?’ And I would say no. The way I thought about this before I had kids was like, ‘I want to write something that could eventually be an instruction manual for myself.’ And it’s not so much a [“how to”] parenting book . . . It’s so much more about creating the atmosphere that Fred created in the Neighborhood.

Ryan was not yet a dad when writing the book. I know this because Luke and I were the very last relics of his pre-dad life. We were scheduled to meet with Ryan to share the story of the JoJo I (weather balloon) when his wife summoned him; she was in labor. More on that later.

Ryan: It makes me think about things that I probably wouldn’t think about otherwise. Even, sometimes, really small things. Do I have music on in certain moments? Is there art up on the walls? These little environmental things that – before my kids came along – frankly didn’t mean that much to me. Or I didn’t think about them in a systematic way. So, what I’m trying to do is create for my kids that same comfortable atmosphere, where they know that they’re loved. 

Fred’s Neighborhood quietly encouraged us to become the best of whoever we are. In tribute to the legend who brought us together, Ryan and I took an unhurried walk through the Christmas market in Mister Rogers’ hometown to ponder his profound influence. Who should we randomly meet while strolling through this Pittsburgh neighborhood, none other than Mister Rogers’ longtime Neighborhood producer, Margy Whitmer. Her eyes lit up when she saw Ryan. As did his. That’s the thing about Fred – for those of us who grew up at his knee, you sometimes can’t tell where Fred ends and where we begin. And you never know when or how his influence will play out.

Liz: I got my voice again as a writer when I got out from behind research and degrees. When Grace was in kindergarten, I wrote an open letter to her future teachers.

Ryan: Really?

And I realized I had something to say just by being me. So off the cuff, what would you want to say to the future teachers of your son?

Ryan: Oh, that’s a tough question. I forget who said it… who talked about when you have kids, it’s like your heart walking around outside of your body. And I would just want a teacher to remember that. And that’s not just true for my own kids. It’s true for every single student in their classroom. And I know how hard it can be to remember that as a teacher. 

Liz: So… love them.

Ryan: That’s it. I mean, if you would do nothing else, that’s what I need you to do. Love them, keep them safe. That’s a tall order today… Don’t be the person who makes them not want to go to school. There are plenty of reasons to not want to go to school. A teacher – an educator – doesn’t have to be one of them. Can’t be one of them. I heard a superintendent say the other day, ‘We want to make schools that kids are running into, not running out of.’  And I want my kids’ teachers to make those classrooms, places that they want to run into… I want them to feel excited to be there and happy to be there and safe to be who they are there.

Liz: Oh, I like that last part.

Certainly, the idea of wanting a child to be safe is universal, but I like the way Ryan said, “safe to be who they are.” When we were reaching students beyond the campus at Wheeling Country Day School, Luke and I liked the phrase “learn fearless.” It wasn’t incorrect grammar. Fearlessness is what we wanted children and adults to learn. Fearless was not an adverb for learning. It was the direct object. If a child could learn to be fearless – having no fear, it would be ok to be the best of whoever he, she or they is… in any classroom.

Liz: Can you say more about safe to be who they are?

Ryan: Yeah, I’m going to hide behind Fred again or go back to Fred. He said with the Neighborhood, he was creating an atmosphere in which every single person is comfortable enough to be who they really are. And what we’ve learned, what I’ve learned, is that sense of comfort and physical and psychological safety is one thing – really the only thing – that allows a human being to thrive and to grow and to become whatever it is or whoever it is they want to become. I mean, without that sense of unconditional acceptance, you’re always going to try to become something you’re not. And the greatest gift I think you can give is that sense of, yeah, you’re comfortable enough to be who you really are. 

You hear Ryan say, “I’m going to hide behind Fred again.” I had mentioned to him that his interpretation of Fred’s legacy was as important as the original work Fred Rogers did. I could tell he didn’t quite buy that as he frequently mused, “Why me?” 

Liz: I heard you say twice already, the question, why me? Do you think you hide a little bit behind Fred Rogers instead of owning that some of these ideas really are yours and you actually have something to say about curiosity and creativity?

Ryan: Yeah, I think… Oh, wow, that’s a really good question, and it’s a fair question. Have I developed ideas of my own and philosophy of my own? I think so. Of course, it’s been influenced by everything I’ve done. But I do have the [thought] In my head [that] people want to hear from Fred, not from Ryan Rydzewski. So maybe I do lean on that.

Liz: Well, I don’t know. I’m a Fred baby. In fact, if you go back and watch my opening video to this walk, I’m tying my shoes. That’s very much Fred.

Ryan: Oh, yeah. That’s the first thing he ever did, the first episode. Yeah.

Liz: I love Fred, and he inspired me as a child. But when I listen to you and Gregg talk, I love the way you interpret Fred, and that’s not just Fred.

Ryan: Yeah, I think you’re right. In fact, one of… Here I go, doing it again. But one of the things that Hedda [Sharapan]  told me – Hedda is another person like Margy, who you just met, that was absolutely key to the Neighborhood – was that Fred could say the same thing to two different people, and it’s going to be received very differently. And he was aware of that. And so the things that he stood for and taught and nurtured become part of you after a while. And then, of course, by becoming part of you, they change, and you carry it on in your own way. So I guess that’s something that I’m trying to do both as a dad and as a professional, is carry it forward in my own way, and hopefully make it as accessible to other people and helpful to other people as it has been to me.

Ryan is not hiding behind Fred any more than I am hiding behind the people with whom I walk. I am a connector between walker and audience. I am a conduit for their stories to reach a larger audience. Their life lessons will land on each one of you who is reading this in a different way. I may pull the quotes that impact me the most, but you may find something profound or humorous within a different line. By writing these stories they get a new life in your interpretation. So it is in the way Ryan and Gregg are carrying Fred’s work forward. They are taking the lessons offered by Fred Rogers and making them accessible to a new audience, who will weave their own stories and continue it in new and unexpected ways. If their words are received very differently by each person, I cannot say. I am only one reader, but I have heard them present twice and both times the entire room was captivated. 

I found myself just as enthralled on this walk as we wove through such a variety of topics and found that Ryan and I shared the commonality of starting our parental lives in the NICU. That day he drove to Wheeling to first meet Luke and me was six weeks before his wife’s due date. 

Ryan: I got the call when I was about 10 minutes from your school, and I was like, You know what? They’re going to think I’m lying. They’re going to think I just don’t want to do this, and I’m canceling. I was like, ‘No, I really am having a baby today!’

Liz: Can you take me back to that phone call? What was it like to turn the car around and have that drive but know what was ahead of you?

Ryan: Well, most of all, I was worried because my wife’s blood pressure had skyrocketed, and she’s a doctor herself. When she’s shaken over something physical, I know then it’s time to worry, because she doesn’t worry about anything. So I got that call, and first of all, it was: All right, I’ve got to cancel everything on my plate. And then it was a lot of mental math… How quickly can I get to Sewickley, where my wife was in the hospital? How fast can I drive there? How much do I want to risk getting pulled over and making myself even later? 

But it all worked out. It was a whirlwind. He was about six weeks early, and we were really worried for the first part… He was in the NICU for 11, 12 days. Well, I’ve come to learn that in terms of NICU stays, that’s actually not much. We sat with families who had been there for a month. And I learned a lot in those couple of days, both good and bad, because when we were moved to a group room, we would sit day in and day out with Russell while he was in the incubator.

And because we were there for 12 hours a day, sometimes more, we saw that there were kids in there who were not visited once. The very beginning of their life, you already see a gap beginning to widen. And you know how much that’s going to impact their lives moving forward. 

Just looking back to see what my son has become – we didn’t know what long term effects there were going to be, developmentally, physically –, and every day, looking at him, having become this healthy, happy little guy is just one more reminder to be grateful, especially this time of year.

I think about the one pound babies Grace shared a room with. I think about the hours I sat in a hard rocking chair. I think about my mom taking a shift bed-side so we could go see the movie, Miracle. Fitting choice, don’t you think? I think about how far we have come since that cold February in 2004.

Liz: So when we do go back to the coffee shop, you have to take just one second and look at Grace, who was eight weeks early. 

Ryan: Oh, really? So you’ve been through it? 

Liz: I like to think of it as, here’s a little glimpse for you that everything’s going to be okay.

Ryan: If Russell turns out like Grace, I’ll be pretty happy. The little bit I know about her and just hearing her speak and what you’ve told me about her. There’s something to aim for.

Liz: 20 years later, I still actually have moments. I don’t wish to be back in the NICU with the fear, but for the singular focus that there’s absolutely nothing else more important in this world than this child right here. I miss that sometimes, and I should be able to recreate that.

Ryan: Yeah, it was so simplifying. And I’m fortunate. I didn’t have to worry about losing my job or anything like that. But it was the first time I felt like, ‘No matter what happens or what I have to sacrifice, I will be here.’ And I felt that a million times since then. But I don’t know if it’s possible to access that determination before you have a kid. 

Especially a child born pre-maturely. You not only get a glimpse of the miracle of birth, but you hold it against your bare skin, which is the baby’s lifeline to feel comfort and to begin to grow. Almost 21 years later when I am sad or when Grace is hurting, I still cup my hands against my heart and rock back and forth as if we were back in the NICU. That gentle motion saves me. I wonder if Ryan or his wife ever do that? Do they return to the quiet NICU atmosphere in their hearts where their son was loved into strength and health?

At a Dartmouth graduation, Fred said “From the time you were very little, you’ve had people who have smiled you into smiling, people who have talked you into talking, sung you into singing, loved you into loving.” I think about the babies and their parents in the NICU that way.

It’s a good feeling to know Ryan and I can share an unexpected connection like this. We can be curious about it. We can wonder.  By trusting one another and offering unconditional acceptance, we will both show up and be as we are. Mister Rogers would be happy.

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It’s such a good feeling,
A very good feeling,
The feeling you know that we’re friends.
I’ll be back, when the week is new
And I’ll have more ideas for you 
And you’ll have things you’ll want to talk about 
I will, too.

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