Walk with Me Liz Hofreuter and IJ Kalcum

Quiet Grace

To hear this blog from the Walkers themselves, just click play.

The first thing you notice about IJ Kalcum isn’t his unassuming height or his red sash credentials – it’s his presence if you are paying attention – he seems to move through space with a calming energy and a quiet grace that draws you near. He enters a room without fanfare, his movements fluid and unhurried even if he is a little late. “I wonder,” he can say softly to an agitated child “if we might take a lap together?” He can do the same in a heated meeting with parents. IJ’s measured breathing patterns can unconsciously influence others to take a breath. I have witnessed it first hand in school meetings and in our personal conversations.

I asked IJ how he managed to keep his composure in tense situations as Director of Student Success (it was a hard position to title – still not sure we got it right). How does he guide the energy toward peace?

IJ: Where does that come from? Well, I think most of it is always geared towards, I think, my martial arts background. With that, I really like reading about different philosophies and philosophers. But I think when I was going through martial arts, I was missing the male figure in high school after my dad had passed away. At that time I was trying to figure out what was even happening. I always think that I’m kind of a late bloomer in the sense of maturity. I think it was a lot of self finding. Is this supposed to happen?

Liz: It does.

IJ: Let me take a moment here.

Liz: You take it.

IJ: I don’t think I really knew that I needed [martial arts]. I think it just kind of happened where I was. Where there was an understanding that whatever was happening was important. That it was like I needed this path.

When grief and loss entered IJ’s life, the repetitive flow of martial arts offered him the focus to drop into stillness and comfort so he could find his path forward. The structure of nightly practice with the clear sense of who he wanted “to be” inspired the man he has become.

IJ: The whole thing that started to happen was anything that I was doing, even if it was something ridiculous or dumb, I always went back to where I wanted to be in martial arts and if it would affect that. So it was always kind of a balance of the good and the bad and then being like, no, no, no, this is who I want to be.

Liz: I really love that.

Liz: So it kept you from getting in trouble?

IJ: It did, it did for the most part. Now, I’m not saying I didn’t have any low points.

Liz: Your mom’s gonna fact check this?

IJ: The funny thing is there’s a lot that my mom and sisters and even Leanne (his wife) really don’t know, like, the extent of and the type of training I did because it was always that I was training at night. I always knew this is going to make me better. 

Liz: But you were pushing yourself.

IJ: I think it goes into how I am today – if I’m told that I can’t do something, I’m obviously going to prove you wrong, you know, …at some point.

Maybe because I’m older now that I take a little bit more time to think about it, but in a sense, it’s kind of like if you tell me I can’t do something, then I feel like you are challenging the character that I’ve developed and who I’ve become and the training that I did. It is interesting that my martial arts background is a huge core, I think, of who I am. 

I have heard it said that true strength often manifests as inner stillness as is developed in the practice of martial arts. Think of it as a deeply rooted tree that sways with strong winds rather than rigidly resisting until it breaks. This inner stillness manifests in various ways: the composure to pause before reacting emotionally, the steadiness to stay with discomfort rather than immediately trying to escape it, the quiet confidence that doesn’t need to prove itself through displays of power or authority. It’s the difference between someone who dominates versus someone whose mere presence brings calm to even a chaotic situation. I have always been inspired by IJ’s quiet grace with colleagues, students and parents. 

IJ: I have a hard time following a specific guide when dealing with students at work just because there’s so many different variables that could be affecting this person. And I don’t think it’s fair if you don’t give them or their parents a chance to let you be a part of their world to understand what’s happening. So you can kind of be their backbone for a little bit.

Liz: Yeah. I know the inside track enough to know that it’s harder for you to do that job if you don’t know the kid. If you’re not teaching a kindergartener, it’s harder to respond to whatever problem that child’s having.

IJ: Right. And kids can see that. Kids are very aware if you’re having a genuine conversation with them. If not, they aren’t afraid to be like, oh, I don’t like that guy. You know in my role, I don’t need to be liked by everyone, but everyone needs to know that they shouldn’t be afraid to approach me and that I am there for them.

Liz: And I feel like you and I both did a very good job at that over a very long period of time.

IJ: I think so, too. I think it took.

Liz: Is that authenticity?

IJ: I think so. Right?

Liz: I don’t know. I mean, I really am asking.

IJ: I mean, I feel like that is. I think that’s one of the things that makes it different, is that, you know, to be genuine. And to have flaws and to have real life situations and to share them with parents or students or whatever is authentic, where they actually know that you’re actually there.

Liz: I ask myself sometimes, if your superpower came from the fact that you were an art teacher. Could you have had the same connection if you were the English teacher or the math teacher? I think you could have, but I think the secret sauce of the superpower is that kids naturally let down their guard a little bit in art class compared to a class where they might struggle or where there’s a clear right answer.

IJ: I agree 100%. I feel like in my classroom, the setting is more relaxed. I think my personality plays into the role of letting students feel comfortable no matter if they have different learning differences. There’s no judgment in it in there. I do think that’s a huge thing. I think it allows them to know that.  when kids walk into my (class)room, it’s that feeling of, I’ve been waiting for this all day. I need this. And that you’re easy to talk to. Or you’re a nerdy art teacher.

Liz: Yeah. Who also happens to be a martial arts expert and very athletic and. Yeah.

IJ: Well, that’s the anomaly of art teachers.

He is an anomaly. Not just because he is an art teacher. I know. I have spent countless hours with IJ. He has made me a better person. He was my wingman in every heated conversation with a parent for the last five years until I started becoming his wingman and then not present at all. I eased out of those conversations because he grew to be better at them than I ever was. 

While we don’t work together anymore, we still have countless hours together. Our children are on the same high school swim team. If you are a swim parent, you know there are many hours upon hours to sit with someone… especially through multiple heats of the 500.

Liz: I don’t know if you feel this way, but especially at swimming. I also like that I’m seeing her be outside of me.

IJ: Yes.

Liz: Like, I didn’t swim. I don’t know anything about swim. Her success at swim is hers. And when she’s underwater, I can yell, but that’s for me, she can’t hear me.

IJ: I didn’t realize how much that I was going to like swim until we really started getting into it. And then I think it was the amount of technical stuff and the amount of being in your own head.

But still, when you’re doing things like relays, you have that team with you. So, you’re trying to up your performance for those people. And like you said, the amount of times that I’ve yelled and have been like, did you hear me?

And he’s like, I can’t hear anything. And I’m like, but I am screaming.

It’s also humbling because I don’t know anything about it. So. He’s like my go to.

So I know he gets frustrated when I’m like, so how do you do this? And what do you do on this? And he’s like, I don’t know. I just swim. Ask a coach. But I always go into kind of …. I don’t know. Like I said, I go all the way back to like, isn’t that a.

Liz: Little bit of flow?

IJ: It is flow.

Liz: Listen, like, when somebody can’t tell you why.

IJ: Why they do it.

Liz: I just swim. It just tells you this is the right place for you. It’s the right fit.

His son is a grade behind Ella. He was born during my first year of headship. I had been given the gift of time when Grace was born. So was Grace’s dad. IJ was the first teacher to request leave. I scoured the handbook to see what he was allowed and saw the phrase “at the discretion of the Head of School.” I offered him extended time. I understand the cost to the school to pay an employee and a substitute. Our school had no money then. Indeed, I had just cancelled the yellow page ad to save costs. This was a cost that I couldn’t save. Our having to cover art classes for an extended time could not compare to his having more time with his son and his wife. I never gave that a second thought. The regret was that I never established a day care at the school. If I had the gift to live those 15 years again – a do over – I would move that mountain and open a day care. Family first. 

IJ is part of my family.  His mere presence has been a comfort. Like a child entering his classroom, when I am in his company, there is a sense that this is what I needed. The same is true for my daughters and so many others. “Mr. K” is somewhat of a legend. His is the classroom alumni find themselves when visiting that campus. It is what they needed – why they returned.

Liz: Just last weekend I made the comment how excited I was for swim season to start because I would see you regularly again. And Bridget said, he always was your safe place. And it was true. It’s probably why I tagged you for leadership as early as I did. I don’t think I deserve any credit for that. I think that’s the energy that you bring. And I think when you say, how are you? You mean it. And you’re not really going to tolerate, “I’m fine.”

IJ: Right. Which is also my own. My own flaw in my own life.

Liz: Well, what do you mean?

IJ: You know how your biggest strengths can also be your weaknesses. 

Liz: So you say, I’m fine too much?

IJ: No, I just …sometimes I’m not. And even though I got some water works going on right now, not a lot. Everybody. Okay. I do have a tendency to push down. And I’m trying to say to myself, hey, maybe you should practice what you tell all these kids.

As he motions with his hands to push down emotions that are too much, he acknowledges how much stronger he is and how much more he can serve others when he practices what he preaches. He knows his strength comes from the depths of grief and worry at levels most of his contemporaries have not yet experienced.

IJ: A lot comes out of it. A lot of new strength. A lot of different ways of leading… transferring stuff on the way you feel into your work, being more more empathetic towards individuals that are going through things. So anytime anybody has something that’s hard, I try to make a conscious effort to at least reach out and see how they’re doing.

Liz: How are you?

IJ: Yeah.

Liz: Might be one of the few people who mean it when you ask. Thanks, buddy. 

Later IJ mentioned that life comes at you fast. You have to take the time for the things you want to do. I would add that you have to take the time to say the things you want to say. I am glad I took the chance to say thank you on our walk. But also… IJ, thanks for hanging out in the office after a tough meeting to see if I was ok. Thanks for reminding me to make myself a priority. Thanks for teaching Grace that a tree she draws can never look exactly like the tree she sees in the window – her first lesson that perfectionism isn’t the ideal. Thanks for being my timing partner. Thanks for the countless laps with struggling students. Thanks for using your voice. Thanks for reminding us how powerful quiet grace is.


Liz Hofreuter

Founder GEN-Ed

Not your typical researcher or consultant, Liz connects lived experience to transformative leadership. To uncomplicate leadership and education, every story matters and she is just getting started.

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