Morning People

Like many of my friends whose children excel in sports, Carrie and Geno Ochap travel all the time. It is a rare weekend that their foursome is in one place. Normally, Carrie and Geno are playing man-to-man defense – divide and conquer… it’s better stated divide and support. In fact, the only time she was available to walk was during soccer practice. While Lincoln was at the top of the hill, Carrie stole away to walk with me. 

Time. It rears its control of our lives in yet another conversation.

Naturally, I have the harbinger of Barb’s walk echoing in my mind. “Don’t let yourself run out of time,” so I ask when Carrie puts herself first to take care of her life and her marriage. It is not surprising that she chooses to respond to the latter. 

Carrie: We have what we call “date nights” but it’s like 5:45 in the morning when we’re both awake and can’t sleep. We watch the news and have coffee and catch up on the world. But it’s really our time. 5:45 to 6:30 a.m.

Being there in the quiet morning together may very well have started when Geno was sleeping in the hospital chair for three weeks while Carrie was on bed rest with their first son. The heightened mix of worry and joy never leaves you. At least it never left me. Carrie did what I could not – she carried a second child and found herself on eight weeks of bedrest with this pregnancy…with a two-year-old. This is certainly the proving ground for life’s journey to divide and conquer.

Carrie: Jokingly, I always say you guys caused me stress before you even were born.

There is truth behind that humor, and it swirls with regret and guilt. She feels like she screwed up. She didn’t do exactly what they needed her to do. “It’s real.” Maybe that stems from a hard pregnancy. Maybe it comes with a learning difference.

There is a hint of anxiety in Carrie’s tone as she talks about her son struggling with reading comprehension. She remembers asking herself, “Did I miss something?” She saw them with their lives in front of them and worried, “What if…” 

Carrie: I always question myself when one of my kids is struggling. It’s hard to see him struggle. With Maddox we unlocked the problem by listening to books on tape. When he was able to finally navigate that situation and learn how to do it on his own after that, I could see that little spark of confidence.

She tries to remember that spark and focus there, but the worry is top of mind. As we talk, I want Carrie to lighten up on herself. I want her to put herself first and see what I see in her. She will. It’s not my timeline. It’s hers. These walks are not intended to fix anything…just to walk with what comes up.

I have to remind myself that her experience with anxiety is exactly why our paths crossed in the first place. She was Grace’s Cross-country coach. I cajoled Grace into the sport because of Carrie. I believe the best we can do as parents is choose to put the right people in our child’s windshield. Ask yourself, who has influence over my child? What values is she influenced by? Whose heart encourages hers? For me, the answer was Carrie Ochap.

Carrie made Grace a better runner and a better person. My daughter surprised me with her speed and effortless grace (no pun intended) on the course. In middle school, she regularly finished in the top ten. Admittedly, I assumed high school would be more challenging since the course was longer. Grace still found herself at the front of the pack. As the season wore on, Grace became worried she would let people down if she didn’t finish well. Carrie knew that pit in her stomach. She could recognize it in my daughter because she had lived it herself. Sometimes, she could coach her through those butterflies and then position herself at various turns on the course – arriving as if from nowhere to offer Grace the push she needed.

Even as I type this, tears roll down my face. How do you articulate gratitude for another mother who sees your child and loves them …appearing as if magically right when they are giving up on themselves?

There was one race that Carrie texted me… “Grace needs you. Come to the starting line.” Standing on the line with that pack of runners behind her, Grace was becoming breathless. She was positioned with her toes on the line because her previous times suggested she would be one of the fastest. The crowd was literally and physically pushing her forward. I couldn’t get to her, but I locked eyes with her and kept my words limited, “Just run your race.” She said nothing, but her face told me that she worried that wouldn’t be enough. “Run your race,” I repeated with a brave smile hoping to mask all of my worries and joys that started during bedrest. 

Carrie squeezed her shoulder, “You got this.” There I stood separated from my child who was hurting. I could see she was creating a narrative in her own mind that was paralyzing. It was Carrie’s eyes she looked into for strength. It was Carrie who responded and repeated, “You got this,” like the beat of a heart until the starter’s pistol fired.

Grace finished in the top five that race. 

I can’t remember if I hired Carrie that year or the one before, but that was the moment I think of when I reflect on how we formed our leadership team. I have seen her bring comfort to so many parents, teachers and children as she did for my daughter. She galvanizes the best from others with her empathy and her passion. Yes, I want to lessen Carrie’s burden, but how do we encourage someone to do that without losing their very essence? The essence that gives every parent the peace of mind when dropping off a child in the morning. 

We aren’t all morning people after all. 

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